


Gone

by 1aran



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Tutor Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7619086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1aran/pseuds/1aran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a tragic accident causes Clarke to spend the summer away, she finds herself struggling to settle back into her old life. Everything seems the same but feels different. But then one night she finds herself at a party and is intrigued by a beautiful brunette.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had a weekend with no wifi and I wrote this. It is about 50000 words in total. Maybe I'll add more.  
> It is set in England because no wifi=no ability to google American school system. Also I've never written fanfiction before, well any kind of fiction at all. So apologies in advance.

Clarke raised her fist to the door. It felt rather odd, knocking on the front door of the house she was raised in. But she knew that she can’t just walk back in, not after how she left. She closed her eyes, took a final deep breath and then rapped her knuckles gently against the heavy wooden door.

There was silence for a moment, maybe her mother wasn’t even at home. She wondered whether this would be a good thing, whether it would give herself more time to prepare herself. But before she can decide, the door swung open and she is face to face with her mother.

Clarke opened her mouth to speak but no words comes out. She simply stared up at her mother, the mother that she left for months with only a note as consolation, silently begging for her forgiveness. It appeared that she isn’t the only one who is lost for words, dark eyes scan Clarke for injuries, or other changes. They stand on opposite sides of the doorway, simply watching for each other’s reactions. And then her mother is holding her in her arms, and Clarke hugging her tightly and tears began to spill down her cheek.

 “I’m so sorry” she whispered. Her apologies are simply shushed away soothingly and Clarke begins sobbing against her mother’s shoulder.

They remain that way for minutes. Stood in the doorway, wrapped in each other’s arms, both shaking with the combined emotions of months apart. It must have looked odd to any passers-by, two women standing there, clinging on to each other for dear life. But Clarke couldn’t find it in herself to be embarrassed. She was home.

 

 When Clarke finally pulled back and wiped her eyes she noticed that behind her mother, the house looked the same. Her shoes were stood by the doorway, her baby pictures still lined the wall and the slightest hint of a stain where she spilled red wine on the rug remains. She wasn’t sure what she had expected, possibly that her mother would erase any hint of her existence.

“Clarke” Abby said fondly, cupping her face and tilting it up so that she could see her better. “Thank god you’re safe. I’ve been so worried. I thought that maybe… well, you are here now”. Abby pulled Clarke in for another hug, briefer this time. When they stepped apart, Abby’s brow was wrinkled in confusion.

“Where’ve you been all this time?” She asked earnestly, her eyes searching Clarkes.

“Can we talk about it later?” Clarke shrugged.

“If that’s what you want sweetie. I just… thank god you’re safe.” There was an awkward pause when they remained in the doorway. Then Abby placed her hand on Clarke’s shoulder and ushered her inside “Come in” she said with a gentle pat on Clarke’s back.

Clarke found herself following her mother into the kitchen, yanking off her beanie and placing it on the counter. Her mother put the kettle on and lingered by the fridge.

“Do you want a drink?” Abby enquired, keeping her hands busy with the box of tea bags in front of her.

“I wouldn’t mind a coffee”

“Coffee? Since when do you drink coffee?” Abby remarked incredulously.

“I guess I got used to it while I was away.” She paused, not sure how much to share. She glanced around the kitchen. It looked the same but somehow felt different. She could pick out little things that had changed, different posters on corkboard, more cookbooks piled on top of the microwave. But they were not the source of her discomfort. No, that was something else. She found herself shuffling slightly on the spot, dragging the scuffed toe of her boot into the wooden floor. It caused a squeak that seemed inappropriately loud in the painfully quiet kitchen, where only the faint hum of dishwasher could be heard. Her mother’s eyes jerked towards her, causing Clarke to feel a little like a deer in the headlights.

“I worked in a café for a while” she finally stammered into the silence, answering a question that had been long forgotten.

Abby nodded but made no comment, busying herself with the mugs and teaspoons. Clarke found it and her mother’s attitude generally, a little disconcerting. She had expected anger or sadness, or lots of questions. But she wasn’t prepared for silence. Out of the corner of her eye she could see that see that her mother had finished arranging the mugs but was still hovering nearby, dark gaze fixed on Clarke as though she may disappear at any moment.  Clarke found herself fidgeting under her mother’s gaze, tugging at the straps on her rucksack restlessly.

“I’m going to put my stuff upstairs” she mumbled, eyes flicking to stare resentfully at the silent kettle for a moment.

“I kept everything as you left it, in case you… well…” Abby’s voice tapered off to nothing. Clarke wasn’t used to seeing her mother like this. She was usually so sure of herself. Was she really suggesting that she thought Clarke may have never come back? Clarke simply nodded but as she reached the doorway, she turned and gave her mother a weak smile.

She caught sight of herself in the mirror on the staircase. Her beloved leather boots were scratched and dirty. The soles were barely clinging on anymore. Her pale jeans hung off her hips more than they used to, torn at the knees and bunching at her ankles. She grumbled inaudibly at the way that her beanie had given a frizz to her dirty blonde hair and how her straggly ends fell haphazardly across shoulders. Her cheekbones seemed more prominent than the last time she had seen herself in this mirror, her jaw more defined. She thought that maybe she looked older now. She continued up the stairs with a sigh.

Once in her room, she threw her grubby rucksack by the door and slumped onto her bed. Her duvet was as soft as she had remembered it being and still held that familiar smell of laundry detergent. She breathed it in deeply and looked around her room. Her mother truly had kept it as she left it. Her school books still spilled from her school rucksack in one corner. Her desk was covered in papers with an empty rectangle where her laptop had once stood. A stray highlighter hid under her desk chair, which stood askew as if she had simply left it momentarily. Clarke chuckled at the sight of her empty washing basket. When Clarke was home it had been permanently overflowing but clearly her mother couldn’t resist tidying up after her. But then her chuckles died out and a lump formed in her throat at the idea of her mother walking around her room. She could see her emptying the washing basked just in case so that she would have clean clothes when she came back. She’d changed the bed, so that she would have clean sheets too. The items on her desk we so messy that she wouldn’t notice a change. Had her mom looked for clues where Clarke may have gone? She could almost see the older woman frantically shoving through the papers looking for any indication of where Clarke might be, not noticing that she’d knocked the highlighter from the desk. Or maybe she had trusted that Clarke would be ok? It hurt too much to think about it anymore so she didn’t.

She pondered what the rest of her day would be like. She would go downstairs and make awkward conversation, they’d eat dinner silently, and then Raven would come home from work. Did Raven still work at the university? Did Raven even still live here? She should ask her mother when she went back downstairs. After dinner maybe they would sit together in the living room and her mother would ask questions that she didn’t want to answer. Then she would likely have an early night and then hopefully she be able to have a hot bath. The flat she had stayed in only had a shower and she had missed baths.

It was odd the things that she had missed. Her father had been an avid reader and encouraged Clarke to read also, so she had a large bookshelf full of every genre. When she sat in her dingy flat she often wished that she could grab a book of the shelf and escape into somebody else’s life for a while.

She heard the shrill call of the kettle downstairs and began to wonder whether she had been in her room for too long, and so she headed back to the kitchen where she found that her mother was still stood by the fridge.

“So, how have things been at the hospital?” Clarke offered, immediately noticing that mother’s shoulders relax at the choice of topic. Abby told Clarke about how the newly med school grads had a long way to go. Then about how her new boss Marcus had initially struggling but seemed to be changing things for the better. Clarke pretended not to notice how her mother’s face light up when she spoke about him. Abby reeled off a few funny anecdotes about particularly entertaining patients and it almost felt normal, like before. They sipped their drinks as they chatted about what had been happening on the news and the neighbourhood gossip. Abby mentioned that Clarke’s cousin Charlotte had recently started high school and Clarke saw her stiffen as the words came out of her mouth. There was a pause.

“I assume that you haven’t been in school the past two months?”

Clarke avoided her heavy gaze when she replied.

“No, I had to work. Plus you can’t exactly just show up at the nearest school, I’d have to have enrolled months ago… which I didn’t” Clarke’s eyes were still fixed on the empty mug in her hand.

“Well, I’m sure Thelonious will let you back in at the high school if I speak to him. It has been, what seven weeks since the start of term. I’m sure you’ll catch up in no time.” Abby said, offering a reassuring smile and a gentle pat on Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke nodded but couldn’t seem to smile back.

She didn’t mention that she didn’t really know if she wanted to go back to her old school. On the one hand, she had missed the familiarity of school and getting to spend her days with her friends. But spending time away had given her time to think about whether she really wanted to follow the path she had set out for herself. And besides, her friends might not even be her friends after what had happened. It might be easier to go to a new school and have a fresh start. But what school would take her seven weeks into term?

They eventually moved to the living room and Clarke sank into her dad’s favourite arm chair. They had managed to get back onto easier topics when Clarke heard the faint scraping of a key in the front door. It was followed by the sound of shoes being taken off and then she heard Raven’s voice call out  
“Abby? You home?” Raven said cheerfully

“In here Raven.” Abby called in return. Clarke sent a panicked look to her mother, who was shuffling papers in her lap to notice.  Clarke lurched to her feet, unsure of what to do with herself. Meanwhile, Raven was yelling to Abby down the corridor.

“I have the best news…”

Raven bounded into the room, her messenger bag almost slipping off of her shoulder as she swung through the doorway. Her eyes immediately caught sight of Clarke and she stopped abruptly, she bag slipping from her shoulder completely and falling to the floor with a clank.

Raven had hardly changed. Her dark hair was pulled back in its usual ponytail and she was wearing her plain black work clothes. Her tanned skin may have been a shade darker than when Clarke last saw her, but her dark eyes burnt with the same intensity. And at that moment, Clarke could almost feel the anger rolling off of her.

“You’re back” Raven said matter-of-factly. Clarke only nodded in response, she could tell that Raven had something to say to her and she knew that it was best to stay quiet and listen.

“What, you’ve got nothing to say to me?” Raven said coolly. “What about to her, don’t you think that you have something to say to her?” She pointed a finger to Abby, who was sat by the bookshelf still.  

“Raven” Abby warned.

“No, she has been gone for five months and has nothing to say to us.”

“What was your news Raven? Something happen at work?” Abby tried.

“Doesn’t matter now” Raven shrugged, rolling her eyes at Clarke.

“Well then maybe you can tell me about it later then” Abby said with a soft smile. “I’m going to pop to the shop and leave you two to talk. Keep it civil girls.” She continued, before exiting the room quickly.

And then Clarke and Raven were left facing each other. Neither one said anything at first; the only noise came from the grandfather clock in the hallway. Clarke knew that there was things that she needed to say, but the right words were not coming to her.

“I’m so sorry about what happened Raven” Clarke began. Raven simply watched her in silence, waiting for her to carry on. When she didn’t, Raven spoke coolly.

“Is that it?”

“I’m sorry about the accident and I’m sorry that I left so abruptly. After everything… I just needed to be someplace other than here. You don’t know what it was like…” She cringed at her choice of words. She could already see the anger bubbling up inside Raven in response. Before she could reiterate more respectfully, Raven’s anger was spilling over.

“I’m sorry? _I_ don’t know what it was like? You got in a car accident with _my_ boyfriend” Raven spat “What were you even doing in the car with him in the first place?”

“It wasn’t like that Raven. Finn was drunk and he wasn’t thinking. He just wanted to get away from the party” Clarke pleaded, already knowing that it wasn’t going to be enough for Raven. She had been gone too long to placate Raven with such a simple explanation. She could feel her eyes stinging with tears that threatened to spill any second. She tried to breathe in deeply to calm herself, but it made no difference to her shaky breathing. When she looked up, Raven was still seething.

“Please Ray, Finn loved you. He would never hurt you like that. _I_ would never hurt you like that.” Raven opened her mouth to speak, but then she looked at Clarke and seemed to deflate a little.

“Whatever Clarke” Raven shrugged, “I’m going out. Who knows if you’ll even be here when get back”.   

And then Raven was gone. The door slammed behind her and Clarke waited until she heard the roar of an engine before she sank to the ground and let the tears spill down her cheeks. She’d only been home for a few hours and already felt just as broken as before she left. She had nowhere to go, but she needed to somewhere other than here. She so desperately wanted to get back on the train but she knew that she couldn’t keep running away. She needed to make things better. So she took a few deep breaths and lifted herself up, before shuffling up the stairs and collapsing on her bed. She curled herself into her duvet, inhaling the familiar scent and sobbed quietly into her pillow until she fell asleep.

Her dreams were plagued with memories of the accident. She could still feel the weight of Finn’s arm around her shoulders, chuckling as he tried to kiss her cheek playfully. His boyish grin as he promised her that he’d drive safely. The sounds were the worst. The squeal of the tires on the road, the deafening crunch of the car hitting the barrier, and the scream that filled the car when Finn’s body was flung through the front windscreen, followed by the sickening crack as he landed on the tarmac.

_“It is a bad idea Finn”_

_“It’ll be fine Princess” Finn slurred into Clarke’s ear, his arm stretched lazily over her shoulders. He attempted to place a kiss on her cheek but his drunken aim was off and he simply headbutted her neck. He chuckled to himself and then began to hum his favourite song eagerly._

_“Come on Princess, let’s go” he slurred again, loosening his grip of her shoulder and grabbing her hands instead. He jerked her towards him playfully with a smirk. Clarke simply at him for a second and then relented, letting him pull her into a bear hug and rocking the pair of them backwards. He continued to hum in her ear, before swinging the pair of them round and dipping Clarke as if they were dancing. She began to giggle despite herself and looked up at Finn’s face. His floppy hair was covering his eyes but she could see that he was grinning down at her. He swung her back up dramatically and then they sauntered down the road arm in arm. It wasn’t long until they reached Finn’s car._

_“Where are we going Finn?” Clarke asked, once she had settled herself inside the car._

_“Anywhere but here” he said cheerfully, shoving the key into the ignition and letting the engine roar to life. She looked over at him, he had a smile on his face but there was sadness in his eyes._

_“Ok” she said, settling into her seat. She noticed Raven’s space pair of shoes on the dashboard. She wondered where Raven was. She had been at the party too. Finn and Raven had gone upstairs together, but then a few minutes later Finn had come down alone and grabbed Clarke’s hand. She wondered whether she should ask Finn about Raven. Later, maybe._

_“Maybe we could go to the park across the river?” She suggested. She loved that park, especially at night when all the lights reflected on the surface of the water._

_“Good plan. Less go!” He cheered._

_Unusually, there were no cars on the road. Probably because it was 3am. But Finn was enjoying the freedom and driving faster than he usually would. As they approached the river, he jerked the steering wheel side to side causing the car to skitter uneasily across the bridge. He laughed to himself. Clarke shrieked and he stopped swerving the car._

_“Don’t worry Princess. I’m just kidding around” he chuckled, lifting his hand off the steering wheel and patting her thigh unsteadily. She looked over at the boy next to her. His boyish face was turned towards her, his floppy hair framing his ever-present grin. His eyes flicked back to the road and there was a screech of tires. Clarke felt her whole body slam forwards and then there was a deafening crash before everything went black._

_She wasn’t sure how long it was until she woke up. Not that long. She still felt a little sleepy. She had been woken by a stabbing pain in her shoulder but when she looked down she couldn’t see anything wrong with it. The car was oddly quiet, except maybe her ears were ringing. She could just about make out a faint hissing coming from the front of the car too. And there was an odd chemical smell in the air, like one of Raven’s kitchen science experiments gone wrong. Clarke was still in the car with Finn though. She looked down and saw blood on her leg but she couldn’t work out where it was coming from. She looked across to where Finn should have been only to see an empty seat. She felt confused for a second. Finn had been there a minute ago. She went to undo her seat belt and the intense pain in her shoulder returned. She tried her seatbelt again but it wouldn’t budge. It was then when she realised how much her body hurt. It wasn’t just her shoulder, everything seemed to be throbbing. She looked out of the window and saw that the car was on the bridge facing back towards her house. Hadn’t they been on their way to the park? Her head was spinning._

_She could feel a strange sense of panic rising in her chest. The seatbelt was pressed so tightly against her constricting her breath. And then it hit her, there was glass everywhere. She looked up at where the front windshield should have been, but it was not there. Instead the front of the car was littered with tiny shimmering pieces of glass. They were almost pretty. She tried to think of exactly what had happened but her brain was so fuzzy. She and Finn had been in the car. They had been driving to the park. And then he was being an idiot and was swerving. And then there was nothing. Her whole body was shaking now, her skin prickling with anxiety._

_“Finn?” She tried to call out, but her voice was so hoarse it was barely above a whisper. “Finn!?” She called again, slightly louder this time. There was no response. She looked around, there was nobody anywhere. She jerked in her seat, trying to dislodge her seat belt. Her head began to throb harder. She blinked heavily, trying to clear her vision of the spots of light that had been plaguing her to no avail. And then everything went dark again._

  
When she woke a few hours later, her mother was sat on the end of her bed and touching her shoulder lightly. She could feel that her body was covered in a sheen of sweat and her limbs felt sore from thrashing around in her sleep.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Her mom asked quietly.

“Not yet”

“Ok, I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“Thanks” She replied, curling her body back into a ball.

Her mother stood up and stepped towards the door.

 “I’ve made some dinner for us. Raven is going to stay at the Blake’s tonight”. Clarke hummed in response and stretched out her spine. She winced when she reached her arms up.

“Is your shoulder still hurting you?” Her mother enquired, stepping towards her instinctively.

“It’s ok. Just a little sore sometimes” Clarke grumbled, rubbing her shoulder mindlessly.

“You should come back to the hospital for another set of x-rays. Did you keep your sling on like you were told to? If fractures like that don’t heal properly it can end up requiring surgery to fix you know?”

“Yeah, I know” Clarke mumbled. Abby noticed Clarke’s reticent demeanour. She stroked Clarke’s hair gently before placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Come on. I made the pasta that you like.”                           

The evening turned out to be less painful than Clarke had expected. They ate mostly in silence, but Abby would occasionally remember things that Clarke had missed over the summer. They then sat and watched tv together. Clarke curled up in her dad’s favourite chair, enjoying the familiar softness of the fabric on her skin and listened to the canned laughter of whatever chat show was playing. Everything seemed so normal.

The next day passed in a blur. Her mother woke her up early and took her to the hospital for another set of x-rays. Her shoulder had healed but it was recommended that she see a physiotherapist. After the hospital, she went shopping to pick out some new school supplies. In the evening they had lunch with the Jaha family. Her mother and Thelonious Jaha had been friends for years and so Thelonious’s son Wells had been Clarke’s best friend growing up. They had grown apart when Clarke’s rebellious teen years had hit but Wells had always been kind to Clarke.

Thelonious was the head of Arcadia College, the prestigious private school that Clarke had attended for most of her life. When Abby mentioned the possibility of Clarke returning, he was quick to mention that he had left a space open for her and had been keenly awaiting her return. She tried her best to seem upbeat about the prospect but inside she was dreading it. After the meal, Clarke and Wells played Mario Kart in his room. He knew her well enough to not ask about had happened and she felt grateful for it.

Wells mentioned that there was a party at the Blake house later on. He had been invited but had to decline because of his father’s rules. After Clarke failed to show any interest in the party he turned to her, looked her in the eye and told her that this was the perfect opportunity to re-introduce herself to people.

“Come on, you know I am right” He declared, his deep voice belying his age. “Everybody will be drunk and happy to see you. By the time you are at school on Monday something more exciting will have happened and everybody will have forgotten that you were ever gone.”

When she didn’t respond, he leant forwards and placed his hand on her knee.

“All you need to do is drop in and say hi. Do you really want to have to deal with all the questions when you turn up at school on Monday?” he said, arching his eyebrows at her. She told him that she would think about it.

The journey home was quiet. She wondered whether Wells was right. Maybe the party was a good idea. But she didn’t want to have to answer questions about what happened at all. Not on Monday and not now. Though drunk people would be easier to handle. But by now Octavia must know that Clarke was home and she hadn’t attempted to contact her. Although Clarke hadn’t attempted to contact her either. She told herself that it was because she was giving Raven space but she knew that it was deeper than that. She steeled herself and decided that she should go. Just rip of plaster. There was no point in prolonging her anxiety about it and her friends were only going to be more annoyed that she stayed away longer. It was decided, she was going to go.

 

Later that evening, Clarke wandered into the kitchen with her phone and keys in her hand. Abby looked up abruptly, almost as if she was surprised by Clarke’s presence in the room.

“I’m going to Octavia’s party, don’t wait up” Clarke indicated to the contents of her hand.

“You haven’t had any dinner, you can’t just go out without eating-”

“We had a big lunch. I can pick up some food on the way” Clarke said briskly, offering a weak smile to her mom as she turned to leave.

“You can go out tonight Clarke, but we are going to talk about this when you get back ok?” Abby said tersely. “Clarke?”

“Yeah, sure mom” She said, already opening the front door. She closed it behind her, cutting off her mother’s distant protests and stepped out into the cool night. She took a deep breath of cool air and a shiver ran through her. She felt relieved to be out of the house and away from her mother but a feeling of panic gripped her chest. How were her friends going to take seeing her again? She had missed them dearly and she hoped they felt the same way. But she knew that leaving had hurt them and if Raven was any indication, they may not be happy to see her.

The road outside the house was deserted, not even a single parked car. Her heels created a clipped tap that seemed to echo with each step. Each of the tall Georgian houses lining the street were lit up by a warm glow, they looked warm and inviting. But when she looked back at her own house, despite sharing that same warm light she knew that inside was not as inviting as she had hoped it would be. The sky looked dark above her, the heavy cloud blocking out both the last of the sunlight and the stars that should have been appearing. Octavia only lived a few roads down from her but the walk seemed longer than she had remembered. She tried to keep herself calm but her chest felt tight at the thought of seeing her friends again. She tried her hardest to ignore that she could see the lights reflecting across the river as she turned the final corner to the Blake house.

As she approached the house, the noise of her shoes was buried under the thump of bass and cheers of teen voices. The front door hung ajar causing flashing light to spill out across the garden, lighting the concrete pathway to the house. She allowed herself one final breath to calm herself and then tugged the door fully open.

It turned out that a guy had been leaning against the door frame and he yelped as he staggered back, whirling his lanky arms to keep himself upright. Clarke saw dozens of faces turn towards her. Looks of shock, confusion and anger covered their faces. A murmur of voices could be heard over the heavy bass and before she knew what was happening, Octavia’s tiny body barrelled towards her and there were arms around her neck.

“I knew you would come back”, Octavia chirped into her ear with a grin, before pulling Clarke in tighter. Relief filled Clarke, Octavia hadn’t always been the quickest to forgive people growing up and she wasn’t sure how the girl would react to her return. Clarke glanced over the smaller girl’s shoulder and a few of the bystanders turned away. She recognised tall, sullen Atom, Octavia’s ex-boyfriend rolling his eyes at her and Monty, one of her classmates, frowning solemnly. Miller, another classmate, was grinning at her. He held a beer in one hand and a joint in the other. Her eyes continued to roam the crowd. One particular girl caught her eye. She was strikingly beautiful with she had long waves of chestnut brown hair that framed startling green eyes. Her verdant eyes were what kept Clarke staring, never in her life had she seen eyes such a beautiful colour; they made her think of the wilderness of untouched forests. The girl glanced up and caught Clarke’s gaze. The world seemed to slow around her and Clarke felt her heart begin to thump a little harder. Her lips began to curve involuntarily into a smile but then the girl blinked and stepped back, vanishing between taller bodies within the crown. Clarke’s attention was brought back to Octavia, who still clung onto her and was now giggling in her ear. Clarke could smell booze on Octavia’s breath and wondered whether the alcohol was causing her to be so friendly. Maybe Raven would have been more amiable if she too had been drunk. Her question was answered when she caught sight of Raven sat on a bar stool. She gave Clarke a brief withering look and then turned and made a remark to the boy sat next to her. He laughed.

Octavia pulled back, but kept one arm on Clarke’s shoulder and looked her over carefully. The beginning of a frown appeared but it was quickly replaced by a grin.

“Let’s get you a drink” She said cheerfully, dragging Clarke towards the kitchen. Clarke gave one last look to the living room, hoping to see the green-eyed girl but she only saw a mass of bodies.

The Blake kitchen hadn’t changed much. It still had that familiar lived-in look. The cabinets never quite shut properly, the bin was permanently full and the tall ceiling still had faint dots of mould in the corners. By the fridge, Octavia half-filled a glass with vodka and topped the rest up with diet coke before handing it over to Clarke. She took a sip and winced at the strong taste of alcohol which caused Octavia to giggle. Prior to the accident, Clarke had quite enjoyed partying with her friends but she had lost her taste for it since. Besides, she hadn’t made many friends and the idea of drinking alone seemed depressing.

She made small talk with a few former classmates in the kitchen for a while gradually acclimatising to the strength of her drink. Nobody mentioned the awkwardness of the situation and it seemed as if there was a silent agreement to pretend that everything was as usual. However keeping a smile fixed on her face was becoming painful. Luckily, Octavia seemed to be bored of the conversation and grabbed her hand, dragging her across the room to a sofa by the fireplace. She hastily kicked its two residents off indicated for Clarke to sit down.

After an hour or so of chatting, a broad handsome man strolled up behind Octavia and placed muscular arms over her shoulders. He held two drinks. Clarke didn’t recognise him but when Octavia noticed his presence she glanced up at him affectionately. The man gazed down at Octavia with a matching look of adoration and his lips curled into a soft smile. It took a moment for Octavia to remember Clarke presence and she hurried to introduce them.

“This is my lovely boyfriend Lincoln” she said, the corner of her eyes crinkling with affection after she gazed up at him, “and this is my best friend Clarkey”. Clarke internally groaned at the use of her nickname.

Lincoln’s eyes filled with recognition. It became obvious from his reluctant smile that he knew about what had happened. Of course he knew. Everybody knew. She half-heartedly returned his smile as he perched on the arm of the sofa, handing the drinks in his hands to Clarke and Octavia.

After the initial awkwardness, conversation between the three of them flowed easily enough. Octavia was keen to share all of the exciting things that had happened in the past few months and Lincoln kindly filled any pauses with polite small talk. Octavia told her Clarke about how Lincoln had been teaching her to kick-box and promised to show Clarke her moves. Lincoln suggested with a chuckle that Octavia wait until she was sober. Clarke could see how fond they were of each other and it warmed her heart a little. Octavia’s mother hadn’t always the most present and her older brother had been headed down a bad path since he dropped out of university. It was nice to see Octavia with somebody who truly cared about her. As the conversation died down between them, Octavia began to curl up against Lincoln’s body, pressing soft kisses against his jaw. It quickly became more passionate and soon they were basically just making out.

Clarke avoided looking at them and surveyed the room around her. The Blake living room was packed. From her seat by the fireplace she could see into the kitchen and wondered whether there would be food. She thought she had seen some earlier and now felt starving.

“I’m hungry, I’m going to grab some food” Clarke said abruptly, not waiting for a response from the two people next to her. Once she stood, the room seemed to spin and little and she realised that may actually be a little bit drunk. She pushed through the mass of bodies and found her previous discomfort rising again. Being next to Octavia had given her a false sense of security. Without her, Clarke was confronted by wary glances and suddenly turned backs. She couldn’t be angry at them. They had every right to stare. She moved through the crowd as quietly as possibly, her eyes cast to the floor, only rising to check that she wasn’t going to bump straight into people.

An arm snatched at her arm from the mass of bodies, causing her to jerk to a stop. She swung around to see who had grabbed her and found a familiar tall boy towering above her. It was Atom. He watched her closely with his sullen eyes as he swayed back and forth slightly. They were close enough that she could smell the sweat and stale beer on his skin. His hand still gripped Clarke’s wrist tightly and Clarke felt increasingly uncomfortable even though they were surrounded by people. She jerked her wrist and Atom let go limply, leaving a smear of sweat where his hand had been.

“Do you want something Atom?” She questioned, the tone exasperated. He seemed to deflate a little and shrugged silently. After a few seconds of silence between them, she turned back towards the kitchen. She had only taken one step when she heard Atom’s voice behind her.

“Finn was a good guy, you know”

When she looked back, he was already half way across the room, only his dark hair visible above the crowd.

“I know” she muttered to herself, sighing deeply.

 

The kitchen was busy too but she managed to make it to a table covered in finger food and grab a handful of Doritos. The packed room felt oppressively warm and the noise was hurting her head. She needed some space, especially after whatever just happened with Atom. She grabbed the entire bowl of Doritos and shuffled to the door. She twisted the handle but, as usual, nothing happened. It took a few firm shoved to open it and then she found herself tumbling out onto the porch, dropping a few Doritos to the ground. The door slammed shut behind her and she leant heavily against the cool brick wall.

She had felt a calm come over her as the cool air hit her warm cheeks but her head was still spinning a little so she shut her eyes. She placed the bowl on the floor as gently as possible and listened to the thumping music and lilting conversation coming from the party. It was such a familiar sound. She had spent many blissful evenings curled up on the porch with Octavia and Raven, listening to the sounds of the party as it began to die down. But now that she was alone of the porch it almost felt as though that sound was mocking her.  

It hadn’t been that long when she heard the door creak open. When her eyes fluttered open, she saw the familiar chestnut waves the green-eyed stranger from earlier. The girl hadn’t seen her yet and part of her hoped that the girl would just not look in her direction. The other part of her so badly wanted to see those green eyes again. After a couple of seconds the girl turned and glanced in her direction. The girl’s shoulder’s dropped a little at the sight of Clarke. She stepped closer and leant her body against the railings of the porch facing Clarke.  At first, she stood silently drumming her long fingers against the railing whilst looking across at Clarke with a furrowed brow.

“Are you ok?” The girl finally said, the words spilling out of her mouth a little abruptly. Clarke simply looked up at the girl, feeling unsure how to respond. She was obviously not ok but this beautiful stranger was certainly not the person to be talking about her problems to. In fact, the more she looked at the girl, the more she wanted to run away to save herself from whatever embarrassing thing she inevitably was going to say or do. She had a reputation for being a little bit reckless while drunk and while she felt as though she was only a bit tipsy, this girl was the prettiest person she had ever seen. She knew that she couldn’t trust her drunk self right now.

“I saw you with that boy earlier and you looked like you were… not ok. Anyway, I just wanted to check that you were… ok” the girl continued. She looked almost as if she was genuinely concerned. Clarke still couldn’t quite figure out what to say, she opened her mouth but shut it again when words failed to come to her. Her head continued to spin. She found herself staring at the girl’s slender fingers as she picked at the flaking paint of the porch railing. Clarke just nodded in response to the girl’s question. She then yawned and lent her head against the wall again, trying to block out the spinning sensation that was starting to overcome her again. She wasn’t even sure how it happened, because she was standing still. But Clarke suddenly lost her balance and stumbled sideways. One foot tripped over the other and she had nothing to grab on to as she was falling. The impact of the fall never came. Instead she felt an arm around her waist, supporting her. The scent of the girl’s perfume enveloped her, it was vanilla and something else that she couldn’t quite recognise. She blinked a few times in an attempt to clear her head and then slowly brought her gaze up towards the girl whose arms were supporting her. She could only stare up at her with a wondrous look. Up close, she could see a smattering of freckles on the bridge across her nose and the tiniest flecks of yellow in those wide green eyes. Currently those eyes were looking down at her, wide with fear.

“Fuck, are you alright?”

Clarke felt a pang of warmth in her chest hearing it, which was quickly overtaken by embarrassment. She had fallen over while standing still. Fuck she was a mess.

“I seem to have had a little bit too much to drink.” Clarke replied, “I’m Clarke by the way”.

From the lack of recognition on the girls’ face, either she had no clue about what had happened in the summer, or she already knew who Clarke was when she followed her onto the porch. The girl loosened her arm around Clarke’s waist but left a hand on her hip as she watched Clarke adjust herself so that she leant against the wall again. Clarke was about to ask the girl what her name was when a guy’s voice bellowed from the kitchen door, causing the green-eyed girl to look up.

“Lexa?” the voice called, followed by the head of Octavia’s boyfriend, Lincoln, sticking out of the open door. He caught sight of the two girls and stepped out onto the porch fully. Lexa jerked her hand away and Clarke could barely contain a groan at the loss of the girl’s touch.

“Oh hey Clarke. What’s going on out here?” He enquired, his eyebrows bunched together in a scowl. There was a beat of silence and Clarke could hear the familiar trill of Octavia’s laugh coming from the kitchen door.

“I… I came outside for some fresh air and then Clarke fell” the girl, who Clarke now assumed was called Lexa, replied.

“Ok then... I’m going to stay here tonight so you can take the car keys.” Lincoln handed the keys to Lexa with an unreadable expression. As Lexa was pocketing the keys, Octavia bounded out of the kitchen with a stumble.

“Clarkey!” She trilled, grinning at the sight of Clarke leant against the wall “You look so wasted!”

Lincoln looked Clarke up and down sombrely, he reflected quickly on Clarke’s slumped form and then look to Lexa.

“You haven’t been drinking right, Lex? It is getting pretty late, maybe you could give Clarke a lift home.” He suggested.

“Yeah Lexy! Give Clarkey a lifty” Octavia beamed, before sagging against Lincoln’s side sleepily when he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He gazed down at the girl tucked into his side and then looked back to Clarke and Lexa.

“I think I’m going to have to put this one in bed now, see you tomorrow Lex” he said with one last look to Lexa before he turned and swung Octavia off her feet and into his arms. She burst into a fit of giggles and waved dramatically to Clarke and Lexa over Lincoln’s shoulder. And then they were gone and Clarke and Lexa were alone on the porch once again.

“You don’t need to drive me home. I live like five minutes down the road, I can walk” Clarke said, waving a hand at Lexa.

“It’s fine. I can drive you.”

Clarke opened her mouth to complain but Lexa continued “I’m getting a big bored here anyway. It’ll give me an excuse to leave”

Lexa didn’t wait for Clarke to respond and was already striding down the porch. Clarke wanted to resist, but she found herself stumbling after the girl as she watched Lexa’s long legs easily stride down the steps. It was clear that the alcohol had most definitely hit her now.

They strolled down the street in silence, Lexa walked ahead and occasionally look back frequently to check that Clarke was ok. Clarke was glad Lexa didn’t bother making small talk, she could barely concentrate on walking in a straight line, let alone impressing this beautiful girl with her witty banter. When they finally stopped next to a car, Clarke felt a wave of nausea hit her. She could see Lexa struggling with the keys in the dark. Her dark hair was lit by the orange glow of the street lamps. When Lexa managed to unlock the car, she leant into the car, leaving the curve of her backside hanging out. Clarke felt a warmth developing within her at the sight of it. This girl was too beautiful, she just knew that she was going to embarrass herself. Clarke made a snap decision to head back to the party. She had barely taken two steps back towards the house when Lexa grabbed her wrist with her soft hand and held on, gently pulling her back towards the car.

“Where are you going?” She questioned jokingly, tugging gently on her wrist before letting go of it. Clarke stumbled forwards again and this time Lexa stepped directly in Clarke’s path. Her heart thumped heavily in her chest when an elegant hand was placed on Clarke’s stomach and Lexa pushed her back against the car. Her abs tightened at the touch, and there was a small smile on the brunette’s face as she pressed her against the car.

“Stay!” Lexa said with a glint in her eye, her face only inches from Clarke’s. There was a second when Clarke felt sure that Lexa’s eyes had been focused on her lips but it was so brief that afterwards she couldn’t be sure that she hadn’t imagined it. Clarke stayed put, stuck in a stunned silence, wondering whether there was actually a chance that Lexa might like her. After a few seconds, Lexa indicated for Clarke to get in the car. Once she had managed to climb in slightly clumsily, she noticed that the car was filled with the familiar scent of vanilla from Lexa’s perfume.

The drive should have taken a minute but it seemed to go on for much longer, Clarke’s crappy navigation had initially sent them the wrong direction entirely before she gave Lexa the post code and Lexa looked it up on her phone. When they finally set off in the right direction, the growl of the car’s engine and the gentle movement caused Clarke’s heavy eyelids to begin to droop. When they finally pulled up outside the large Georgian house, Clarke found herself being roused by the sound of Lexa’s soft voice.

“Hey… you need to wake up, we’re here”

Clarke scrunched her eyes shut harder, hoping to shut out the bright lights of the street lamps. There was the noise of shuffling around her and then the door opened beside her. When she opened her eyes, she saw that Lexa was bent down beside the car looking up at her. She looked so pretty.

“Come on” She said, her voice soft. Clarke nodded in response.

The combination of alcohol and exhaustion made it almost impossible for Clarke to function. Lexa half carried her to the front door where Clarke fumbled with her keys. Lexa eventually had to ask for the keys and open the door for her. She then followed the brunette into her own house.

They stumbled up the poorly lit staircase together, the only noise in the house coming from their footsteps and the creaking of the old floorboards. When they made it to Clarke’s bedroom, Lexa lingered awkwardly by the door. Clarke stumbled in alone and face planted onto her bed. The alcohol was making her feel all warm and sleepy. After a moment, she rolled onto her back and looked back towards Lexa. Her body was leant against the doorframe, her eyes trained on Clarke. Clarke couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she was. The light of the corridor highlighted the sharpness of her shoulders and the subtle curve of her waist. Even in the dim light she could make out the faintest hint of green in her eyes and the rouge of her lips. She wondered what it would be like to have those pillowy lips between her own. Clarke sighed deeply at the thought.

“Come sit with me Lexa” She cooed. The girl remained, so Clarke sat up and patted the spot next to her on her bed. Indecision seemed to flash across the girl’s face before she stepped forward and settled at the foot of the bed. Clarke shuffled down the bed so that they were sitting side by side. She snuggled in closer to the other girl and rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of vanilla. She could feel Lexa’s body tense beneath her but simply pressed in tighter against her. They remained like that for a while.

“I need to get home Clarke” Lexa finally said, causing Clarke to lift her head so that she could look into Lexa’s deep green eyes. She could see the conviction in Lexa’s eyes, but all she could think was how beautiful she looked.

“Stay”

“I can’t do that”

“Please” Clarke begged, before settling her head back onto Lexa’s shoulder and breathing in her scent again. God she smelt good. It made her breathing hitch slightly and caused her brain to spin more than the alcohol already was. Clarke lifted her head slightly and her lips found the skin of Lexa’s neck. The sensation of Lexa’s skin against her was exhilarating and her lips seemed to move on their own volition, brushing lightly against Lexa’s skin. She felt her heart rate increase at the contact and became more aware of the ache between her thighs. She adjusted her body closer and was raking her bottom lip against Lexa’s pulse point when there was a sudden flurry of motion beneath her and then Clarke found herself slumped down on her bed. She heard a sudden crash across the room and peered up to see Lexa backed against her desk, with many of its contents on the floor. The brunette stood frozen with a panicked look on her face, before hastily dropping to her knees clambering to return the items to the desk.

Clarke lifted herself off the bed to help Lexa, but when she got close Lexa stood up and stepped away. Clarke adjusted her direction but Lexa moved away again. Clarke frowned at the other girl, who was looking at the floor and had her hands in her pockets. 

“I’m going to go, ok?” Lexa spoke quietly but firmly. Clarke ignored her and stepped forwards again, reaching for Lexa’s hand. She barely brushed her fingertip across Lexa’s knuckles when Lexa yanked her hand away from Clarke’s. Clarke found herself frowning in confusion and reaching out again.

“Clarke, please don’t”. Even in her drunk state, she could hear how pained Lexa’s voice sound. She looked up at the other girl and pursed her lips. She frowned and tried to think why Lexa would sound like that. But her brain felt like mush and she couldn’t seem to figure it out. She swallowed thickly, trying to settle the nausea. She felt like she might be sick soon.

“Ok then” Clarke said solemnly and she saw Lexa soften. Clarke cast her eyes to her own bare feet. She couldn’t quite remember when she had taken her shoes off. Had it been once they got in the house? Surely she would have noticed if she had been walking down the street with no shoes. She sighed heavily. How did she even get this drunk; she couldn’t remember having more than two drinks. The one that Octavia had given her, and the one that Lincoln had given her. Had she made herself another drink? She didn’t remember the answer to that either. When she looked up, Lexa was hovering by the door again.

“I guess I’ll see you around then” Lexa stammered, swallowing thickly.

“I guess…” Clarke echoed. Lexa briefly lifted her hand to wave and then turned and left. Clarke remained standing by the desk wondering if there was a chance that Lexa might come back. When she heard the front door shut, her heart sank a little. Lexa was gone.

Clarke had just decided that the mess on the floor could wait until tomorrow when she heard footsteps in the corridor. Her heart skipped a beat, maybe Lexa had come back? She was staring hopefully at the door when she saw a figure appear. But it wasn’t the right shape for Lexa.

“Clarke?” her mother said drowsily. She blinked up at Clarke and the mess on the floor.

“Heyy!” Clarke said with a dopey smile.

“You’re drunk” Abby challenged.

Clarke could hear the disappointment in her mother’s voice. She was about to shake her head and pretend to be sober when she stumbled on something on the floor.

“Go to bed Clarke, we’ll talk about this tomorrow”. Clarke simply nodded mutely in response and flopped down on the bed. She was so sleepy. She yanked at her dress but couldn’t seem to reach the zip. She shuffled further up the bed and tugged her duvet up to her chin. Clarke fell asleep within seconds of her head hitting the pillow, dreaming of the girl who had helped her.

 

 

Waking up was not fun. It started with waves of nausea and she found herself pressing her fist against her stomach to stifle the increasing pain, but it made no difference. She curled in tighter on her bed and that simple movement caused her head to pound and her stomach to churn harder. She sighed heavily, today was going to be a shitty day.

Initially, she attempted to roll over and go back to sleep. But her stomach wouldn’t let her and within a few minutes of waking she is heaving over the toilet bowl. It seemed as if the liquid contents of her stomach were endless.

It isn’t until she was in the shower that the events of the night before begin to return to her. She remembered going to the party and chatting with Octavia, and then there was Octavia’s boyfriend Lincoln. And so were Miller and Atom. Raven was there too, but Clarke didn’t talk to her. And then it begins to get fuzzy. She was standing outside with a beautiful girl but then they were back in her room and then…

Fuck.

The memories rush back to her too quickly, causing the nausea to flood back too. Fuck, she had made such a fool of herself with Lincoln’s sister. Throwing herself at her like that. God, it was so embarrassing. The girl was trying to be nice and she had to go and practically lick her neck. What the hell was wrong with her? She only hoped that she wouldn’t have to see the girl that often. She didn’t seem that much older than Clarke, but she would have remembered if she had met her before, so she couldn’t have gone to Arcadia College too. Clarke wondered if she could discreetly ask Octavia about her, but she knew that her friend would realise that something had happened. And who knows if Octavia would still be friendly to her when she was sober anyway.

She finally traipsed down the stairs around midday. The house had been quiet all morning so she had assumed that her mother and Raven must have both gone out. But as she reached the bottom step she could hear both of their voices coming from the kitchen. She paused wondered whether she should walk in or not. She shuffled closer and through the open door she saw Raven and her mother leant against the breakfast bar. Raven leant in closer and spoke softly:

“I don’t know how I feel about it. Seeing her again… I’m still so angry at her… but it is Clarke, you know?”

 “I understand. For so long all I wanted was to see Clarke again, to hold her in my arms. I was so sure that if only I could have her back here, then everything would be ok.” There was a pauses “But having Clarke back though, it’s not what I imagined…” Abby replied. Clarke couldn’t bear to hear any more and headed back up the stairs as quietly as possible.  


 

 

Clarke’s first day back at school was a disaster. She had spent most of Sunday curled up in bed, recovering from her hangover and from the conversation she overheard. She hadn’t been able to fall asleep until well past midnight.  So when she found herself in Jaha’s office at 9am on Monday morning, she was not feeling her best.

“Abby, Clarke. How lovely to see you back here.” Jaha bellowed, his arm outstretched to shake both of their hands. Clarke feebly shook his hand and took a seat in front of his desk. She hadn’t spent much time here before, being the well-behaved student that she was.

“I want to be the first person to welcome you back to Arcadia College. I know that Wells has missed you, and I admit that this place hasn’t quite been the same without you here.”

Clarke smiled weakly in response.

“I’m sure you’ll be keen to get caught up with your school work. There will be challenging times but I know that you have the fortitude to make it through.”

He handed her a stack of papers, including a school planner and a timetable.

“To ensure that you get caught up as quickly as possible, I have assigned you tutors for each of your classes. Wells will be able to assist you in mathematics. And I have chosen a new student to help you with the sciences. Alexandria. She is a singularly talented girl, exceptionally bright. I’m sure the two of you will get along well”.

Clarke simply nodded in response. She hated the idea of tutors. School had never been a challenge for her, and she had certainly never needed anybody’s help. She knew that Wells would be fine, but some smartass new girl? Who knows how much of a pain in the arse she would be. Her reverie was broken by Jaha.

“Clarke, I think you should head to your class now. Maths, if I remember correctly” Jaha declared to Clarke with a swift nod.

“Abby, a moment longer?” Jaha continued.

Clarke grabbed her rucksack and thanked him for giving her a second chance, before half-heartedly waving goodbye to her mother and shuffling out of the door. She shut the heavy wooden door behind her and lingered slightly, pretending to the secretary that she was looking through her bag. She could still just about make out the low rumble of Jaha’s voice from behind her.

 “You’re right to be concerned…. doesn’t seem like herself. Has she had counselling?”

“I don’t think so... she has hardly spoken to me at all and never about what happened. It has been a lot harder than I expected…”

Clarke didn’t want to hear any more. She wandered out past the receptionist into the hallway that lead back to the main school. Being back here was weirder than she had imagined. Though the décor remained as it always had been but the corridors felt less familiar than they should. Everything just felt different.

She knew in advance that her first class, maths with Mr. Pike, was not going to be fun. She had managed to avoid having Pike up until this year but she was well aware of his reputation for being a harsh marker and generally not a nice person. Jaha had mentioned that Wells would be in her class and she knew that Raven was probably going to be there too. In any other year, she would have been glad of that but after her argument with Raven she thought it would it would be better for them to have some space.

Just to make things even worse, Clarke ended up turning up late. Mr. Pike’s face briefly contorted in displeasure when he caught sight of her, before promptly ushering her in whilst admonishing her for being late. She muttered something about meeting with Jaha which seemed to make him no more amenable.

There was only ten other students in the class. She recognised all of the faces, a few of which were smiling at her. Wells was sat on the front row and beamed at her. Raven however sat in the far corner looking surly. Pike handed Clarke a pair of text books and indicated for her to sit in one of the empty seats on the second row. When she had settled into her chair, Wells turned and smiled at her again, even more enthusiastically. She returned the smile weakly only to be chided by Pike for not paying attention.

The class wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t awful either. She had no idea what Pike was talking about and simply scribbled down notes when the rest of the class did. But he ignored her despite picking on everybody else which she was very grateful for.

After class, she and Wells scheduled a study session that afternoon. He suggested that they go to her favourite café but she thought that the school library might be a better plan. Sometimes Wells came on a little strong and she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. She wasn’t sure if his intentions were romantic or not but she didn’t want to entertain them just in case. Either way, she didn’t feel like socialising and he was simply there to help her with her maths. They had planned another study session for Thursday before Wells hurried off to his physics lesson.

Clarke had a free period after maths. Before, she would have spent it sprawled out on the common room sofa with Raven and Octavia. But now she found herself sitting alone in the library. She flicked open the maths text book at tried to re-read what they had just covered.

 

 

The rest of the week passed in a blur. She knew that it would be tough to catch up after being away, but she wasn’t prepared for the how behind she was. Often she found herself in classes where she felt as though the teacher was speaking a foreign language. She would go home and spend her evening skimming back through her text book, trying to figure out what they were even talking about. She had never found school to be particularly challenging but now she felt permanently confused.

Things socially had improved slightly. She still spent her free periods in the library but she found herself having lunch with Monty and Jasper, or Octavia on the days when Raven went home early. It wasn’t until the end of the week that she met her science tutor. Because they shared no classes, Jaha had set up a meeting for Friday lunchtime. She knew nothing about the girl, other than her name was Alexandria and she was smart.

She was sitting at her favourite desk in the library when she saw her. It was her favourite desk because it was the furthest from the entrance and partially hidden by the tall bookshelves. So that her new tutor could see her, she had chosen to sit at the end of the desk that jutted out into the room. She had been watching the entrance closely when she saw a familiar face appear at the doorway. It was the beautiful face of Lexa, the stunning girl that she had thoroughly embarrassed herself with at the party. At the beginning of the week, she had briefly wondered whether Lexa had attended the school but she hadn’t seen her so had decided that she must not. She had almost asked her friends, but didn’t want to call attention to the awkward situation so had left it. But then here she was. And her stunning green eyes were fixed on Clarke. Clarke had this odd sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, which only seemed to get stronger as Lexa moved towards her. Now Lexa had undoubtedly caught sight of her and was striding purposefully in her direction. And then it hit her.

A _lexa_ ndria.

Lexa.

Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took ages. I hate this chapter. It is by far my least favourite so I kept going back and tweaking it trying it hoping that I could hate it less, but I couldn't so I decided to just post it and move on. Sorry. 
> 
> Also thanks for the kudos and comments. It is slightly scary to think that people actually read stuff that I've written but nice to hear that it isn't completely awful.

 

Clarke took one final deep breath as Lexa, or Alexandria, stood in front of her. She seemed even taller than she had before and even more beautiful in the daylight. Her long legs were clad dark jeans that neatly folded at the ankles, topped with a crisp striped shirt. There was an air of aloofness to the way she held herself; her formerly wild hair was pulled back into a tidy bun with a few stray tendrils framing her sharp cheekbones. It took a couple seconds for Clarke to realise that she had been staring at the girl for an inappropriately long time. She stood abruptly, knocking her phone from her lap as she did so. Before she could reach for it, Lexa carefully bent down and plucked it from the library carpet with long elegant fingers. She placed it gently on the table and regarding Clarke once more.

“Clarke” Lexa said cordially.

“Lexa”

Lexa sat down on the seat opposite where Clarke stood. Clarke found herself sitting down reflexively too. She opened her mouth to say something, possibly to apologise for her drunken come-on or to suggest that she had a different tutor but before she could get her words out Lexa began to speak.

“What would you prefer to start with? Biology or chemistry?” Lexa enquired, seemingly unaware of Clarke’s awkwardness.

“Erm… b-biology?” Clarke stuttered, still struggling to believe her terrible luck.

“I think that ecosystems is the simplest module, so we should start there. Are you happy with that Clarke?”

“S-sure” Clarke stammered back.

“Ok then. Have you brought your text book with you, or would you like to borrow mine?” Lexa asked, a hint of a smirk on the corner of her lips.

After Clarke managed to find the right text book and open it to the correct section, Lexa began to run through some of the key words that would come up. When she saw that Clarke was simply nodding in response, she asked whether Clarke thought it might be a good idea to write the key terms down. Clarke found herself agreeing with the slightly patronising question and returned to her rucksack to find a pad of paper to write on. When Lexa restated the key terms for her to write down, she could feel Lexa’s green eyes on her and it wasn’t helping her concentration.

“Clarke, are you ok?”

“Y-yeah?”

“Ok then. So one of the fundamentals of ecosystems is the movement of energy. In almost all ecosystems the source of energy is heat energy and light energy from the sun. There are ecosystems that rely on thermal energy from the earth’s core but they won’t come up in your exam.” Lexa said, looking up at Clarke to check that she was understanding.

“During photosynthesis chlorophyll containing plants convert light energy from the sun to chemical energy. We refer to these plants that perform this action as autotrophs; which comes from the Greek “autos” which means self and “troph” which means nourishing. It is generally accepted that there are four trophic levels. Autotrophs are the lowest trophic level. The three other trophic levels are herbivores, carnivores and omnivores. You know what those words mean I assume?” Lexa said, looking up at Clarke through long lashes.

“Yeah, eats plants, eats animals and eats both”.

“Right, then we can start with energy efficiency”

Clarke hummed in response while silently trying to remember what it was that Lexa had said before the bit about carnivores. Something from Greek. She wanted to ask the brunette to repeat what she had said but felt too embarrassed to say it. They had been doing work for all of five minutes and she had already gotten lost.

“Clarke? Did you hear what I said?”

She shook her head.

“The third energy transfer has a higher chance of energy loss through both respiration and excreta.”

“Ok” Clarke replied, writing down the words as Lexa said them. She wasn’t sure if Lexa meant respiration as in breathing or respiration as in cells. Instead of asking she simply underlined the word and then scribbled to catch up with what Lexa was saying.

Towards the end of the session, Clarke felt that she had settled into tutoring, she kept her eyes fixed on the text book between them or her pad of paper. She nodding appropriately when Lexa spoke and copied down the things that sounded important. She still couldn’t shake the general feeling of awkwardness that hung over her though. Lexa had only spoken about biology, and seemed to be quite content to ignore the fact that they had even met before now but Clarke couldn’t ignore that fact. Every time she looked up at the brunette the events of that night would replay in over and over in her head. Lexa’s long fingers tapping on the railing. Lexa sat at the end of her bed. Lexa’s green eyes looking down at her, Lexa’s skin beneath her lips. She felt a blush rapidly rising across her cheeks; she hoped that the other girl hadn’t noticed. Sometimes Lexa had a slightly patronising mannerism that irked her, but so long as she kept ignoring what happened Clarke thought that she could handle it.

 

 

The weekend passed in a blur of homework and binging Jessica Jones on Netflix. She had managed to get most of her homework done on Saturday which left her Sunday free to sprawl out on the sofa. As always, her mother had to work and Raven spent most of the weekend at Octavia’s. Clarke enjoyed having the house to herself but by Sunday evening she started to wonder whether she was actually feeling a bit lonely. She waited up for her mother, who was supposed to be home by 2am but instead she found herself still alone on the sofa at 3am. It was then that she finally retreated to her bedroom and slumped onto her bed, preparing herself for a night of restless sleep.

 

Despite the fact she tossed and turned all night by lunchtime on Monday, she found herself in an oddly good mood. Maths with Pike hadn’t been totally awful and she thought that she might have actually understood some of what he was talking about this lesson. As she queued into the dining hall, Monty caught her eye. He was beckoning her over and had a small smile on his lips. She couldn’t help but notice how close he was sitting to Jasper. She had always got vibes from those two. Clarke waved back before returning her attention to the salad bar in front of her. None of the options looked particularly good, but she went for a light salmon salad. After she grabbed a bottle of water, she sat herself down beside Monty. The two boys greeted her animatedly and then returned to excitedly discussing the latest Studio Ghibli film that was showing at their favourite art house cinema. She picked at her soggy salad laughing to herself when the boys started shoving at each other playfully. After a few minutes, Octavia slammed her tray down next to Jasper and began a tirade on the PE teacher who wouldn’t let her play her favourite position in netball. Clarke soon found herself giggling at Octavia and Jasper’s impressions of their poor PE teacher. Harper and Roma leant over from the adjacent table to critique the pair’s performances and soon the four of them were playfully arguing about inflection, leaving Monty and Clarke rolling their eyes at each other. Everybody was particular excited because this was the final week before the half-term break. Nine whole days without school. Clarke had no specific plans but was looking forward to it anyway. Jasper and Monty had already arranged a cinema trip for the whole group and Octavia was planning to throw a massive party. She wasn’t sure if she would attend, but hearing the boys list their alcohol requirements and Octavia laughing at pathetic light weights they gave her a warmth in her chest that she had almost forgotten.

Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke noticed Raven lingering by the salad bar holding a tray. When the brunette started striding towards them with purpose, she thought that other girl might actually being going to sit with them. Clarke saw the exact second when Raven caught sight of her. Raven stopped abruptly, some of her juice sloshing onto her tray. The girl’s previously mild expression twisted into a scowl and she shook her head in the direction of their table before turning away. Clarke’s eyes followed her as she sauntered over to a table in the corner where Atom and Jones lounged. Clarke tore her eyes from the other girl and slumped back in her chair. It was then that she noticed that her own table had fallen silent and that she was not the only one that had noticed Raven’s choice of lunch seat. She avoided the gaze of her friends and once again picked at her soggy salad. She didn’t feel hungry any more. The hum of conversation began again and after offering a small smile to the rest of the table she quickly excused herself to head towards the library. When she looked back, the table had returned to its previously jovial state; Jasper was leaning back flicking his chips towards Octavia and peals of laughter could be heard as Octavia slammed into him, knocking him from his chair.

 

Anxiety about her next tutoring session with Clarke had been weighing on Lexa all weekend. Their first session together had been a little bit of a struggle. She had known that things would be a little awkward but she had heard a lot of good things about what a high-achiever Clarke was. From the time they had spent together, it was apparent that Clarke was bright but also that she wasn’t especially interested in either biology or chemistry and had a tendency to get distracted. With previous tutees Lexa had been known to be a bit of a taskmaster, but with Clarke she found herself feeling reluctant about pushing her. Every time Clarke’s eyes would drift from the page to the window Lexa would simply try to pull her focus back as gently as she could. She couldn’t quite put her finger on why it was but she wanted Clarke to enjoy the time they spent together. She wanted Clarke to like her. Despite this, she had resolved that this week she wasn’t going to let Clarke off easy. She was there to help Clarke learn, not be her friend.

The first half an hour of tutoring was even worse than Lexa had expected. She had explained the key concepts and handed Clarke a worksheet to do. But every time she looked towards the other girl she was either checking her phone or staring blankly into the distance. It was quite apparent that Clarke didn’t understand the concept that she had been explaining and wasn’t particularly interested in trying to anymore. Lexa didn’t know what more she could do. She had explained it as simply as she could and had come up with examples to illustrate it. If Clarke would put down her phone and pay attention she would find it a lot easier to understand. She could feel this frustration bubbling up within her when she noticed that Clarke was yet again staring towards the window. She ignored it as best she could but the frustration seemed to settle in her chest and made her skin feel warm. Maybe they needed a break.

Lexa set Clarke up with a page full of simple equations to work through and then went to get coffee for both of them. Clarke seemed to relax a little when Lexa left, which stung more than Lexa wanted to admit.

The coffee shop in the library was oddly busy and the queue was longer than she had expected. Two girls in front of her were gossiping loudly about some girl’s weight. It annoyed her to hear girls speaking about other girls like that. She wasn’t immune to the thrill of gossip but she knew all too well how it felt to have people talking about you behind your back. Instead of listening she spent the time trying to think of different ways to explain the more abstract concepts to Clarke. She knew that the girl was intelligent, if she could just find a way to relate it to something that she already understood she would get it. When she finally picked up their coffees she thought that she had come up with analogy that might help simplify the main concept.

Lexa hoped that when she got back to their desk Clarke would prove her inclination wrong and have at least tried all the equations. However, when she rounded the corner and saw a mop of blonde hair resting on the table, Lexa began to feel annoyed again. As she got closer she saw that girl’s eyes were closed and the pen had been placed back on the desk. Lexa’s frustration began to increase, but she chastised herself for getting annoyed so quickly, maybe Clarke had figured it out and finished the work already.

She watched the girl more closely as she stood by her chair. Wavy blonde hair was spilling across her shoulder onto the desk, and her lips were parted a little. She could just about see the girl’s shoulders rise and fall slightly with her breathing. Lexa couldn’t help but notice she looked remarkably peaceful, something she had never seen Clarke be before.

“How are you doing with those equations Clarke?” Lexa murmured, sitting down in the chair opposite the blonde. She placed the coffee in front of the girl but the blonde didn’t notice.

“Clarke?” Lexa repeated louder, causing the blonde’s head to jerk up from the desk. The girl’s dark lashes fluttered revealing her deep blue eyes. The peace on her face immediately vanished at the sight of Lexa and was replaced by a nervous frown. She then knew then that Clarke had not finished the work. The piece of paper sat between them on the table and when she saw its contents Lexa felt annoyance bubble up within her again. The top two equations had been attempted and then the rest of the page remained blank. She had been gone for ten minutes and Clarke had done practically nothing the whole time. When she looked back at Clarke, the girl was clearly nervous to face Lexa’s reaction. She attempted to keep herself calm but could feel her cheeks reddening with anger. Before she could react to Clarke’s lack of progress, the blonde opened her mouth and began to speak softly.

“I couldn’t remember what the difference between the curly arrows and the straight arrows was, and you weren’t here to ask.” It wasn’t a good excuse, but Lexa could feel the anger dissipating immediately at how quiet the blonde sounded, how defeated she looked. She was hunched over the desk still, attempting to half-cover her work. A small wrinkle remained between her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth were turned down in resignation.

“So, it didn’t occur to you to look it up in the text book that is right in front of you?” Lexa said, immediately regretting how harsh she sounded. Clearly Clarke felt bad already, she didn’t need to make her feel worse about it.

“Look, I don’t get it. Re-reading it again won’t help that” Clarke murmured, the frustration clear in her voice.

“Then what will help?”

“I don’t know. If I knew that then I’d be doing something other than sitting here waiting for you to come back and tell me off for doing nothing”

Lexa cocked her head and looked Clarke over. The girl’s deep blue eyes were duller than usual, there were dark shadows underneath them and she was still slumped over the table. It was apparent that she was not particularly motivated when it came to the sciences, but Clarke didn’t come off as somebody who was lazy. Maybe there was something else going on.

“How about we go back to doing ecology today and we can try again with this on another day.” Clarke seemed to perk up a little and Lexa ignored the warmth that appeared in her chest when the blonde offered her a small smile.

“Thanks Lexa; that sounds great” The warmth in her chest only increased at the way Clarke said her name, it had a softness that she wasn’t accustomed to.

“So, you were memorising the key words at the weekend right? Do you remember the difference between a population and a community?” Lexa questioned hopefully, eager to see whether Clarke had been working outside of their sessions.

“Erm… population is members of the same species and community is all the species.”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile across at the blonde. At least something had stuck.

“And what is a species?”

“Um… a group of individuals that can interbreed and produce fertile offspring?” Clarke said nervously.

“Perfect, Clarke” Lexa grinned. Clarke quickly smiled back at her and the frustrations of earlier were momentarily put aside.

******

Clarke barely managed to stay awake on the bus home on Thursday afternoon. Her whole week had been exhausting. To make things even worse, she hadn’t been able to sleep the night before because she was so worried about what tutoring with Lexa would go. She had tried to read ahead in her chemistry text book so that she would be prepared for the session, but it was all gibberish and only made her more nervous. The session hadn’t ended that badly, but she knew that next session they would be back on chemistry and she was dreading it already.

When she made it home, she sprawled out on the sofa. A note on the fridge said that her mother was working late, and based on dull thud of music coming from upstairs Raven was probably in her room.

She searched through the fridge and found only condiments and half-empty take out containers. Her mother had her talents, but cooking was not one of them, and she often worked at the hospital in the evening anyway. Clarke had always been a keen baker but normal cooking hadn’t been something that she had done a lot of. However, working in the café over the summer had taught her how to make a few remarkably edible meals. She decided that a home-cooked meal might be a decent peace offering for Raven, and was probably quicker than ordering take-out anyway.

She managed to find enough ingredients in the freezer and the pantry to make a passable Spanish omelette. It wasn’t her finest, but it was actually pretty good. She also managed to scrape together enough ingredients to make a tray of oatmeal and raisin cookies. When they were ready, she balanced a couple of cookies on the clean side of the plate and carried the food upstairs to Raven.

She found herself standing outside of Raven’s door for more than a minute. She hoped that the thumping bass had been loud enough to cover her footsteps as she had approached. When she finally knocked, there was a grumble from the other side of the door. When Raven first saw her, she frowned but then her eyes lit up when she saw the plate of food.

“You cooked?” She said incredulously, sounding a little suspicious.

“Yeah, don’t get too excited, it’s just an omelette” Clarke shrugged.

“Well… thanks anyway” Raven replied, taking the plate. There was a pause and then Clarke turned and left. She could feel Raven’s eyes still on her as she walked down the corridor but she ignored it. Their interaction had been strangely almost positive and she didn’t want to ruin it.

*************

Every Friday Lexa had her beloved English literature in the morning, and then lacrosse in the afternoon and tutoring with Clarke. But it meant that she was stuck waiting around in the library for intervening hours. Lexa loved most libraries, but the school library, unlike other libraries, was never quiet. There was a permanent hum of old PCs, the bristle of students shuffling on the static-y carpet and, most annoyingly, the constant stage-whispering between students. Especially during lunch when students used to area as a place to socialise.

She sat at her usual desk furthest from the entrance to avoid other students and began skim reading the notes she had prepared for Clarke. They had already had two sessions and hadn’t even completely a single topic yet. She needed to make sure that her notes were as concise as possible so that they could cover the remaining topics quicker, especially with half-term. She hadn't decided whether she should ask Clarke about meeting up over the break. Normally she wouldn't feel weird about it, but after what had happened at the party she didn't want to make Clarke feel uncomfortable. 

She could see people through the small window at the end of the room. Jaha appeared to be having meeting in the conference room off the library. Before Lexa could think further on it, Jaha appeared at the doorway with an older lady dressed in business suit.

“Lexa” He bellowed when he caught sight of her studying. As ever, he represented an odd mix of jovial and intimidating.

“This is Dean Kane, of Polis University” He said, indicating to the lady beside him. “This is Lexa Woods, she is one of our most remarkable students. She recently transferred from one of the top schools in Zurich.” He said, smiling down at Lexa. Without thinking, she stood and reached out to shake Dean Kane’s hand. The older woman seemed a little taken aback, but met Lexa’s hand with a surprisingly firm grip.

“What are you planning to study at university?” She questioned.

“I’m leaning towards English literature currently, although I’m still considering comparative Literature too.” Lexa said, standing up straighter and looking the older woman in the eye with confidence.

“Well, Polis has a highly regarded English department. I do hope you will keep us in mind when you are applying”

Lexa smiled kindly back at the older woman and didn’t mention that she had already completed her university applications.

“I would like a quick word with Lexa here, I trust that you will be able to find your way back to my office on your own” Jaha questioned to Dean Kane, his eyes were still fixed on Lexa. The dean simply smiled and wandered slowly towards the library exit, stopping to look at books as she went. Lexa had a slight sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, but tried her hardest to ignore it. Jaha seemed to notice her discomfort and placed his hand on her shoulder in reassurance.

“Don’t worry, it isn’t anything serious. I just wanted to ask how Clarke is doing.”

This did nothing to reassure her.

“I have known Clarke for many years, and after her father died… well I try to be there for her as much as I can. My son, Wells, is tutoring her in mathematics and says that she has made considerable progress in their sessions. ”

Lexa paused for a moment.

“She has made some improvement. She is still struggling a little. She seems to…” Lexa paused again, unsure of quite what exactly she was trying to articulate “To be completely honest, I don’t think that her heart is in it. It seems as if her mind is often elsewhere” she finished. He nodded in response and thanked her again for giving up her free time to help another student. She shrugged off the praise and when he finally left she had an odd feeling it her stomach. She had made the comments about Clarke in an off-hand way. Nothing serious. But as she settled back into her chair she began to wonder whether she had crossed a line. Jaha seemed to genuinely care about Clarke, but maybe it was not her place to be telling him how things were going. It wasn’t as if she had been dishonest. Even so, the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach remained. 


End file.
